Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 8264
Characters: Reunited Remus and Sirius, Sixth Year Marauders and Lily, Post-Hogwarts Marauders and Lily (plus baby Harry), Madeleine Yaxley (OC), Lost Years Remus, Post-OotP Remus, Werewolf!Remus, Post-CoS Lockhart, HBP Trio, Neville, Ginny & Luna, Lupincrush!Hermione, CRAZYCAPSLOCK!HARRY, Emo!Draco, OotP Fred, George, Molly, Arthur, Tonks & Moody, First War Lucius & Narcissa, Eurydice MacEoghan (OC), Sexy!Glam!Voldemort, Voyeuristic!Snape, First War Regulus, a Mary Sue (OC), Harry/Draco, Snarry, Snupin, the Dursleys, McGonagall, Trelawney, Dumbledore, Flitwick, Hagrid, Dobby, the Sorting Hat, the Giant Squid

Author's Note: All songs included in this story are the property of various artists and recording companies and NOT ME. I claim nothing and have attempted to give credit where it is due.

"What exactly is 'carry-oaky'?" Post-Hogwarts Remus asked, carefully putting his script away in a folder.

"Well," began Reunited Remus slowly, trying to think of the best way to explain the concept of karaoke to a wizard. "It's something Sirius and I picked up on holiday in the Caribbean."

"It's a sort of Muggle music game," supplied Sixth Year Remus helpfully. "You were out on a gig last time we did it. There's a machine that plays your favourite songs, only without the words, and you have to sing them yourself."

"How do you win?" asked Post-Hogwarts Remus, puzzled.

"You don't. It's not that kind of game," replied Sixth Year Remus. "Well, I guess you could have judges, but that's more like a contest. And not as much fun. It's more fun when people do it badly, and you can take the piss out of them."

"Interesting," mused Post-Hogwarts Remus. "That actually does sound like fun. Were you thinking of doing it tonight?"

Reunited Remus nodded, still busy putting away his makeup. "Enough of us are off tonight. It's a holiday weekend, so hardly anyone is writing fanfic. I was just going to ask around down the hall and see if any of the others wanted to join in."

"Join in what?" asked Post-OotP Remus, entering the dressing room through a door labeled "12 Grimmauld Place". He set down the large leather-bound photo album he was carrying on his section of the countertop.

"These guys want to play a Muggle music game called karaoke tonight," Post-Hogwarts Remus replied.

Post-OotP Remus groaned. "Not that again! Don't you remember what happened last time? Mr Camper-Than-a-Row-of-Pink-Tents hogged the mic and wouldn't let anyone else on," he explained to Post-Hogwarts Remus. "Sang almost every Queen song ever recorded."

"Well, he wasn't that bad," said Reunited Remus fairly. "Anyway, you'll notice that I am suggesting this while he's not here. You'll all get your turn in the spotlight this time. So who's in?"

"Welcome to Karaoke Night, everyone." Reunited Remus smiled as he surveyed the crowd. It was a much better turnout than he had anticipated, especially on such short notice. "I know things got a little out of hand last time, but hopefully in the absence of my flamboyant counterpart, things will go a bit more smoothly." Not that I don't see a number of potential drama queens in the audience tonight, he added silently. "Who would like to do the honours of tonight's opening number?"

"Oh! Me! Can I please?" begged a blond man wearing a peacock blue hospital gown, already climbing onto the stage.

Reunited Remus groaned inwardly. "Erm -- sure, Gilderoy. That is, do you already have a song picked out?"

"Oh, yes!" Lockhart flashed his famous smile at the crowd. "I chose one from the list by the door. It's one that means a lot to me."

"I thought you couldn't remember anything?" called Sixth Year Ron from his place between his two best friends.

Lockhart's smile wavered only slightly. "Well, the title means a lot to me, anyway. I'm going to sing a song called 'Memories' by someone called Leonard Cohen."

There were a few stifled giggles from the room at large as Reunited Remus waved his wand at the karaoke machine and went to his seat near stage left with Reunited Sirius, two other Remuses, and a Hermione.

Unsurprisingly, Lockhart's performance was less than impressive. Most of his focus was devoted to squinting at the screen, reading the words. His voice quavered in and out of key, but he kept smiling, and the song ended to polite applause. He bowed graciously before handing on the microphone to Sixth Year James, and finding his seat between Molly Weasley and Tonks.

"Evening, everyone!" James flashed his Quidditch Captain grin around the room. "I have a song I'd like to sing tonight for a very special lady in the audience."

A faint blush, coupled with a look of annoyance, appeared on the face of a pretty redhead seated at the table with the other young Marauders, as James pointed his wand at the machine.

Reunited Remus chuckled. He glanced around the room, taking in the laughter of the various Siriuses, Jameses, Peters, and even a Dumbledore or two. Sixth Year Lily looked nonplussed as James pranced and bounced across the stage in true rock star style.

"Thank you, thank you!" he called to the applause and whistles of his friends. "I'd like to ask my good friend Padfoot to join me up here for a moment. We have a song we would like to share with you all."

Sixth Year Sirius bounced up onto the stage next to James, and the three Remuses -- Reunited Remus, Lost Years Remus, and Post-OotP Remus -- all sighed.

Reunited Sirius squeezed Reunited Remus's hand with a chuckle. "I was awfully pretty, wasn't I?" he said with a wicked grin.

"Yes," Reunited Remus replied. "You were. Not bad now, either."

He leaned to kiss his Sirius while the other two Remuses were busy watching the antics on stage. The Hermione at their table gave them a withering look.

"All right!" James called out as they finished. "We have just one more song before we give up the floor. Can I get Moony and Wormtail up here please? You guys know this one!" The two other boys scrambled up onto the stage, Peter wide-eyed and pale, Remus blushing shyly.

As the first chords sounded, Reunited Sirius looked longingly up at the stage. "Can I go up, too, Moony?" he asked softly.

"Wait your turn, Padfoot. Let the boys have their fun."

At last, the four boys took their bows and returned to their seats. Sixth Year Lily immediately jumped up and took the stage.

"I also have a song for someone in the audience," she said, narrowing her eyes at the still-grinning James. She flicked her wand at the machine.

The last notes had barely faded away when someone gently unwrapped Lily's fingers from the microphone. She looked up, startled, into the face of Post-Hogwarts James.

"Don't worry, Lils," he said with a smile. "I get the point."

"No spoilers," she whispered, blushing.

"Of course not, Love."

He gave her a gentle push in the direction of her seat. She wandered back in a daze.

"You have to admit," Reunited Sirius commented, "he matured well."

"I'm going to bring the tone back to earth a little, I'm afraid," Post-Hogwarts James was saying. "Life's not all fun and games, and I think I'd better prove that I can take things seriously, before my lovely wife starts to side with her younger counterpart."

He blew Post-Hogwarts Lily a kiss where she sat with the other Post-Hogwarts Marauders. She reached up and pretended to snatch it out of the air. A dark-haired baby was cradled against her breast. Sixth Year Lily's eyes went even rounder, and she looked away quickly, ignoring Sixth Year James's nudge.

"Oh, good choice," murmured Lost Years Remus, sitting next to Reunited Remus. "The foreshadowing almost makes me shiver." He glanced sadly from the James on the stage to the Lily with the baby.

By the end of the song, James's gaze had switched from his wife to Post-Hogwarts Peter, sitting next to her. As if in a daze, Peter stood up.

"I have a song I'd like to do," he said, his voice cracking.

"How about 'The Traitor'?" called out Reunited Sirius. There was a murmur of agreement from around the room.

Peter looked nervously for a friendly face in the audience. Apparently he found one. "I'd like --" he cleared his throat. "I'd like to sing a song for a lovely lady who's here tonight."

As the music began, Reunited Sirius groaned. "Madeleine Yaxley. That stone cold Slytherin bitch! What does he see in her?"

There were other groans coming from around the room. "Enough with the bloody Cohen, already!" someone shouted.

Reunited Sirius shot a grin across the room that showed all his teeth. "It's my poofter boyfriend's collection," he called. "It's either this or Queen; your choice!"

Reunited Remus stuck his tongue out at his Sirius.

"Don't stick that out unless you're planning to use it, Moony," Reunited Sirius said, leaning in and waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

They were interrupted by a broken sob from across the table. Post-OotP Remus had his arms around Lost Years Remus, and was patting him on the back awkwardly, making shushing noises.

"I hate AU," Lost Years Remus sobbed.

Post-OotP Remus looked strained, but said nothing. Reunited Remus and Sirius gave one another a regretful look, and reluctantly broke apart.

Peter sang in a quavery voice, his glance shifting nervously about the room, as if looking for an escape. When at last he finished, he hesitated. There were no friendly faces at his former table. Leaving the stage, he took the empty seat next to a pretty dark-haired woman who sat with a number of shady characters.

"Did you have a song you wanted to sing, Maddy?" he asked, putting a possessive arm around her.

"In a bit," she replied, nodding toward the stage. "Narcissa's on next."

Narcissa Malfoy looked scared but determined in the spotlight. "I have a song," she said, and hesitated. "I think a -- a friend wants to sing this with me." She looked around. "Eurydice, Sweetie, are you here? Can someone dim the lights, please?"

As the lights lowered, a ghost emerged from the shadows, dressed in Muggle clothing of the 1920's. She looked very young and a little frightened, but found some strength in Narcissa's gentle smile as she took the stage beside her.

"This is a song," continued Narcissa, "for the men we hold dear. All we ask is that they stop and think for a moment."

"That's almost sweet," murmured Reunited Remus. "But I doubt it will have the desired effect. I'd hoped that things would be a little more upbeat this evening." Then he groaned. "Looks like Lucius has a response. This can't be good."

Lucius Malfoy smoothed back his pale blond hair, eyeing his wife's retreating form coldly. "Women understand nothing of purity and pride," he complained. "Love, home, family. What are these things worth without a strong pure-blood foundation? The future lies in the hands of the Dark Lord. He will bring Wizardkind into a new golden age!"

"All right, all right!" Reunited Remus threw up his hands in response to Reunited Sirius's eye-rolling. "I won't bring so much Cohen next time!"

"It's not you, Moony," Sirius replied affectionately. "It's just -- why are all Slytherins such bloody drama queens? Between Snivellus's flouncing, Malfoy's primping, and Moldywart's world-domination complex -- Do none of them know the meaning of the word 'subtlety'?"

Remus grinned. "Speaking of which, look who's next."

A tall, handsome, gray-haired man swept dramatically onto the stage, swathed in billowing black robes, under which he wore tight black leather trousers. A troupe of Death Eaters including, Madeleine and Snape, followed, eyes hungrily fixed upon the man. Lucius Malfoy handed over the microphone with a bow and a pompously humble, "My Lord," and joined the Death Eater backup singers.

"This is so wrong," murmured Reunited Remus. "Voldemort shouldn't be -- hot."

"I just want the trousers," Reunited Sirius replied covetously. "Are those sequins on his robes?"

Voldemort smiled seductively at the audience. "A few of you here tonight know of the power I have to offer those who champion my cause." His voice was deep and smooth. "Some of you -- those who also know me as 'Dr Tom Love' -- know the other benefits of being on my good side." Here, he winked broadly at Post-Hogwarts Peter, who blushed. "This song is dedicated to my luscious, loyal followers."

"At least it's not Cohen," Reunited Sirius commented.

"Thank you, thank you," Voldemort bowed. "For anyone wishing to find out a little more about the delights that await them in a life of service to the pure-blood cause, there will be an after-party at my penthouse. Bathing suits for the jacuzzi are, of course, optional." He bowed again, then left the stage with his entourage, apart from Madeleine, who now took the microphone.

"Now that the Dark and Delicious Lord has had his say," she purred, following Voldemort's retreating backside with hungry eyes, "I feel the time has come for me to have mine."

When she sang, she seemed to sing directly to Post-Hogwarts Peter, who sat transfixed, like a deer -- or rat -- in headlights.

This time, it was Reunited Remus who rolled his eyes. "He betrayed us for that? He's weaker than I thought. I almost feel sorry for him."

"Almost," acknowledged Reunited Sirius. "I'm still going to kill him if I ever manage to get my hands around his scrawny rat neck. Oh, here's Snivellus!"

The greasy-haired, hook-nosed Potions master was taking the stage. Without preamble, he gave the karaoke machine a sneer and a flick of his wand and began to sing in a surprisingly-decent tenor.

"Aaaaand, we're back to Cohen," Reunited Sirius sighed, rolling his eyes again.

But Reunited Remus did not seem to notice. "Is he -- singing about us?" he asked.

"Sounds like it," replied Sirius, leering roguishly. "Those old walls at Grimmauld Place aren't exactly soundproof, you know, and you do tend to howl a bit when you get excited."

Hermione glared at him.

"Why does she keep doing that?" Reunited Sirius whispered. "For that matter, why is she sitting with us?"

Reunited Remus shrugged. His attention was on a dark-haired young man who had greeted Snape as he came off the stage. "Is that you, Padfoot?"

Reunited Sirius looked over. "What? No, that's my stupid kid-brother, Regs. He's -- What the fuck?!" For Regulus and Snape had just put their arms around one another, and were kissing passionately.

"Look away, Sirius," Reunited Remus admonished gently. "Fanfic, remember? Those girls will write anything."

Regulus took the stage.

"If he sings something insipid to Snivellus, I am going to vomit," Reunited Sirius declared.

But Regulus surprised just about everyone with his choice.

"Wow," said Reunited Remus. "Sounds like Regs wasn't so stupid after all."

"Yeah, maybe," Reunited Sirius replied grudgingly. "Little good it did him. Do you want something to drink? I need something to get the taste of him and Snivellus out of my mouth."

As Reunited Sirius headed to the bar, his younger counterpart, Sixth Year Sirius took the stage again. "Well, that was revolting," he said, echoing his older self's opinion. "My own flesh and blood. I can't think of a better antidote for such a sickening display than singing about the vision of sexiness I see before me." He winked at Sixth Year Remus, sitting next to his own empty chair, and nearly every other Remus in the room sighed with longing.

The teenager's eyes never left his boyfriends' as he sang. The hunger burning there was so apparent that everyone else in the room felt like an intruder. When Sixth Year Sirius returned to his table at the end of the song, instead of sitting down, he took his Remus's hand and raised him to his feet. As if in a trance, Sixth Year Remus followed him out of the room. The door closed quietly behind them.

"What did I miss?" Reunited Sirius was back with the drinks. All three Remuses cleared their throats and crossed their legs, blushing slightly. Sirius laughed. "Something good, eh? Let's see; firewhiskey on the rocks all around, and ooh! A sexy little umbrella drink for me!"

"And you call me girly," said Reunited Remus with a smile, sipping his firewhiskey demurely. "Don't you know that drinking pink stuff will make you gay?"

"Hey, I resent that!" replied Reunited Sirius. "I'd stand up right now and sing you a rugged and manly song, only I don't actually know any. Besides, everyone knows it's buggering other men that makes you gay."

Remus laughed. "Well, if you're not going to sing, then I will. Once this mad poofter is done."

Post-Hogwarts Remus was in the middle of a song, perhaps inspired by the success of the previous number.

Once the song finished, he left with Post-Hogwarts Sirius.

"Geez," said Reunited Sirius. "Where's everybody going?"

"Where do you think?" murmured Reunited Remus. "With so little fanfic being written this weekend, the sets will mostly be available. People can take their pick. Though I heard someone already has dibbs on the Great Hall staff table tonight."

Reunited Sirius grinned wolfishly. "Is the library taken yet? I know how that place always gets you excited."

"We're not going yet, Padfoot. You think I'm going to leave such expensive equipment in the hands of drunken maniacs?" He quirked an eyebrow. "Now, are you going to come sing with me, or am I going up by myself?"

Reunited Sirius gazed thoughtfully over his little paper umbrella. "No," he said after a long sip. "I think I feel like being serenaded tonight. Sing to me, Moony. And maybe I'll sing for you later." He winked broadly.

Laughing, Reunited Remus went to the stage and took the microphone in hand. He had been wanting to sing this song all night. It was his favourite. And if the audience were sick of Cohen, that was too bloody bad, wasn't it?

"This is a very special song for me, and I've been wanting to sing it for the very special man in my life. For years, I never thought I would get the chance, but apparently miracles happen."

"I've got a shong!" slurred Lost Years Remus, stumbling across the stage towards him, drink in hand.

He nearly pitched forward, reaching for the microphone, but Reunited Remus caught him by the arm and steadied him. The drunken young man brushed him off and fumbled his wand at the karaoke machine.

Reunited Remus found his way back to his seat next to Reunited Sirius, who leaned over and said, "Nice song. Even if it is Cohen. But are you sure it's a good idea to let this one sing?"

"You want to try telling him 'no'?" Reunited Remus raised a skeptical brow. "I remember what it was like being him. I was inconsolable for a long time, and drunk for even longer. Look at him." He nodded up at the stage. "That's me without you."

"Poor Moony," Reunited Sirius replied. "Disgraceful. Well, that settles it; I won't be letting you out of my sight ever again."

Lost Years Remus raged and wept into the microphone. When he finished, he stood blinking on the stage, as if unsure what to do next. Another of the Remuses stumbled up from their table to join him.

"Oh, brilliant!" Sixth Year Ron called sarcastically. "More drunken poofs!"

"You won' know thish one, Losht Moony," slurred Post-OotP Remus. "It'sh -- new. Help me?" He held out his arms, and the other Remus almost fell into them. They clung to one another for support as the music started up.

By the end of the song, Lost Years Remus was so moved that he lay down on the stage, snoring gently. Post-OotP Remus nudged him with his foot, shrugged, and launched into another song, clutching the microphone stand to stay upright.

"You don't think he's suggesting that we're going to split up?" Reunited Sirius said, appalled. "Because I wouldn't do that."

But Reunited Remus remained silent. He could see for himself that he was with the oldest Sirius in the room. He was the only one who was silent, however. Everyone else groaned as Post-OotP Remus began a tearful rendition of "The Show Must Go On".

"Clear the stage!" someone called. "We've had enough of your bloody moaning for one night. And the next person who sings something by Leonard bloody Cohen, I am going to personally come up there and wrap that microphone cord around their sodding neck!"

Reunited Remus and his Sirius hastily removed the drunken diva before anyone started throwing things. He lifted Lost Years Remus awkwardly, while Reunited Sirius took the bewildered Post-OotP Remus by the arm and gently led him off stage, depositing him back in his seat with a pint of water and a "There you go, mate."

When Reunited Remus returned after finding a soft place to stash Lost Years Remus while he slept it off, he took one look at the stage and groaned. A huge, hairy form was mincing back and forth, gruffly and monotonously attempting to sing "Bad Moon Rising", to which he seemed to have forgotten most of the words.

"How long has he been up there?" he hissed at Reunited Sirius, who now sat alone at the table with the silently glaring Hermione.

"Too long. He's already mangled 'Born to be Wild'. No one wants to tell a werewolf where to get off, though."

"This is just plain embarrassing," said Reunited Remus, putting his face in his hands.

As the song finished, he hurried up to snatch the microphone out of the wolf's claws before he could think of another song he almost knew.

"Thank you! Thank you, Werewolf!Remus, for those lovely renditions of two great, classic songs. But now I think it's time we yield to floor to the younger folks. What do you say?"

The wolf shrugged and shuffled off stage as Reunited Remus cast about the room for volunteers.

"I'll go," spoke up the glaring Hermione, shooting a last poisonous glance at Reunited Sirius.

He reluctantly handed over the microphone as she gave him a smile which froze the marrow of his bones, and returned to his seat beside his Sirius. Hermione's eyes never once wavered from Reunited Remus as she sang.

"Well, that explains a lot!" laughed Reunited Sirius. "She's got her eye on you, Moony. But that's too bad; you're mine."

He drew Reunited Remus toward him for a passionate and theatrical kiss. Remus heard a loud "tsk!" from the direction of the stage, and a moment later, a door slamming, but he was too busy to take much notice. By the time they broke apart, flushed and panting, six figures had taken the stage.

A different Hermione held the microphone. "Well, that was embarrassing!" she declared. "And may I just say, completely OOC. As if canon doesn't make it obvious who I'll end up with!" Next to her, a tall, red-haired boy looked smug. "Anyway, Harry, Ginny, Neville, Luna, Ron and I have a song we'd like to do."

The six teenagers did a very nice job on "Wouldn't it be Nice?", the boys and girls casting occasional shy, affectionate looks at one another. As they left the stage, Hermione and Ron were holding hands, as were Harry and Ginny.

"They must have fixed the water at Hogwarts," commented Reunited Sirius.

"What?" said Reunited Remus, confused.

"Prongs used to say it all the time. 'There must be something in the water'. Because of how almost everyone in our year was gayer than a jar of billywigs. That is, if you believe the fangirls. Not that lot, though." He nodded at the teenagers. "Breeders, every one. Well, almost," he amended, as Neville cast a longing look at Harry.

Reunited Remus snaked an arm around his waist. "Whether it was the water or not, I've no complaints."

Sixth Year Ron, laughing, was being urged back toward the stage by his friends. At last, he threw up his hands and said, "All right, all right! I'll do it! But only if Ginny goes next." Taking the microphone, he cleared his throat. "This is a song that -- I dunno -- I just kind of like it."

"Are you sure about the water being fixed?" Reunited Remus asked dryly as the music began.

"Hmmm," said Reunited Sirius. "I wouldn't've pegged him for one of us. Too oblivious."

Sixth Year Ron gave way to his sister, who sang a rousing rendition of "Just a Girl". She was followed by an unfamiliar girl with piercing violet eyes and waist-length black hair which bore purple and silver streaks. She was gorgeous and skinny, and wore a figure-hugging black leather outfit which accentuated curves in all the right places.

"I'm Marvola Arwen Raevyn Yvette Salazara Umekiko Elfynchyld from Cali, & I wanna dedicate this song 2 my 2 BFFs, Hermione Guinevere Electra Jasmine Granger-Malfoy & Ginevra Aurelia Ophelia Miranda Weasley-Zabini. Makeover party 2nite!"

"Who?!" Hermione and Ginny gagged.

The girl didn't bother with a wand, but started the music with a flick of her fingers, calling up the element of karaoke to do her bidding.

"You invited a Mary Sue?!" asked Reunited Sirius in disbelief.

"Well, I had to, didn't I?" replied Reunited Remus, nettled. "She heard me inviting the Harrys -- you know how Mary Sues congregate around those boys -- and she said that if I didn't invite her, too, she'd crash the party, and bring all the other Mary Sues with her."

"Founders preserve us!" cried Reunited Sirius. "Why do fangirls write characters like that? They can't for one second believe that other people are interested in reading about them, can they?"

Reunited Remus sighed. "It's a mystery for the ages. She's sung her bit now, though. At least this one's not after you."

"As if I'd give her a second look when I've already got a sexy wolfman sitting with me," said Reunited Sirius smugly. "What does she have that I'd want? She hasn't even got a cock, for Merlin's sake!"

"You've never had to play straight?" asked Reunited Remus curiously.

Reunited Sirius shuddered. "Once or twice," he admitted. "I've got a straight counterpart, of course -- you know they sometimes refer to him as the Original Gryffinwhore? -- but when he's got the day off, sometimes one of us has to stand in for him."

"I had to shag Lily once," confessed Reunited Remus. "It was weird."

"Yeah, well, at least you never get paired with your own family!" Reunited Sirius shuddered again. "Apparently Blackcest is gaining popularity."

This line of discussion was thankfully interrupted by shouting from the direction of the stage where a Harry had taken the mic.

"I'M GONNA SING NOW, IF NO ONE'S GOT A BLOODY PROBLEM WITH THAT!"

"Why is Harry shouting?" asked Reunited Sirius, confused.

"It's CRAZYCAPSLOCK!HARRY," explained Reunited Remus. "I think it's an OotP thing. Teen angst, and all that."

"Ah." Reunited Sirius nodded sagely. "Do you think he's going to sing, or just shout?"

As it turned out, he did both, performing something called "Head Like a Hole", shrieking until his face turned red and veins stood out on his neck.

"Is that from your collection?" asked Reunited Sirius. "I don't recognise it."

"It's not mine," replied Reunited Remus. "He must have brought it with him. You think I'd listen to that?"

"It's not that bad. I mean, assuming the recorded version is better than what Harry's doing."

When Harry finished, a blond boy in eyeliner, all dressed in black and with a look of sullen disgust upon his face, took the microphone from him. Harry shouted. The blond boy sneered eloquently. He flicked his wand and another song began.

Reunited Sirius sighed. "Another Slytherin drama queen in training. Oh, here we go." He sat up a little straighter. Clearly, they were about to be properly entertained.

Two young red-haired men leapt onto the stage. One of them grabbed the microphone while the other stood by, grinning. Both bowed, as if to vast applause.

"Thank you! Thank you!" declared the one with the microphone. "We are Gred and Forge, live for one night only at the All-Hogwarts Fandom Karaoke Night. We have a sobering little number we'd like to share with the younger members of the audience, to remind them to treat certain matters with due seriousness."

The other youth took the microphone from his brother. "We would also like to dedicate this song to all the hundreds of children which fangirls have attributed to our loins over the years, forgetting that we are much too busy inventing things to shag anyone."

Their angelic voices rose as though in prayer at the chorus. As the music finished, they bowed again, thanking the audience.

"Remember, folks; Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes at 93 Diagon Alley caters to more than just your amusement. We also have a full line of contraceptive charms and potions in all your favourite flavours. Do your part to keep the Mary Sue population under control!"

"Gents, too," added his brother. "You know what those fangirls are like. We have charms and potions for the prevention of MPreg as well."

A look of horror crossed Reunited Sirius's face. "Maybe we should pick up some of that stuff, Moony. What do you think?"

Reunited Remus gave him a wolfish grin. "I'm just trying to picture you in maternity robes."

"What, and spoil my girlish figure?" preened Reunited Sirius. "If anyone's giving birth, it's you."

"Not if you don't want little wolf cubs, it isn't. If I got knocked up, you do realise we'd end up with a litter of six or so?"

"Really? I thought that was just a myth."

"Completely true," confirmed Reunited Remus. "I've done a lot of reading on the subject. Werewolf mothers are extremely prone to multiple births. Though I must admit, I'm not sure about Animagi. Maybe if you didn't change the entire time you were pregnant --"

Reunited Sirius gave a cry of exasperation. "I can't believe we're even discussing this! I'm swinging by Diagon Alley tomorrow to get some of that stuff!"

But Reunited Remus wasn't listening any longer. "Uh-oh," he said. "This doesn't bode well."

Two boys had just taken the stage, one with platinum blond hair, the other dark and brooding. Bolts of passion and hatred flashed between silver eyes and green. It was clear that the two were within moments of committing murder or some public indecency, but it was unclear which. A throbbing beat, charged with indelicate suggestion, suffused the air.

"This isn't one of yours either, is it?" asked Reunited Sirius.

"Erm -- actually, yes it is," said Reunited Remus, blushing. "It's -- er -- catchy, isn't it?"

"Catchy," replied Reunited Sirius, crossing his legs self-consciously.

The two boys finished their number with a savagely passionate kiss.

"I think I'm gonna be sick!" declared another Harry from the audience, rising from his seat.

"For once, I agree with you, Potter," another sneering blond boy declared. "I can't bear another second of this filth. Crabbe! Goyle! C'mon. We're leaving."

With that, all the Dracos and their assorted cronies left, followed by a few disgusted-looking Harrys. A number of Rons and Hermiones looked at one another, shrugged, and followed. The pair who had inspired the exodus also departed, managing somehow to find the door, even though their mouths were still locked together.

"And as if that didn't kill the mood --" Reunited Remus murmured with an inward groan, seeing who was up next.

"No." Reunited Sirius was wide-eyed with shock. "Just -- no!"

"I'm afraid so," Reunited Remus replied regretfully. "Snarry is actually surprisingly popular."

"I won't have it," said Reunited Sirius faintly, but he made no move to stand. "I won't have that filthy, greasy bastard buggering my godson!"

"Or vice versa?" Reunited Remus raised an eyebrow. "You want to try telling them that?"

Reunited Sirius put his face in his hands as the Snarry duo finished and departed, followed by the remaining Harrys, Rons and Hermiones, all looking distinctly ill after what they had witnessed.

"If you thought that was bad --" Reunited Remus's voice was tight with embarrassment.

"What?" Reunited Sirius glanced up. Expressions of confusion, suspicion and finally slowly-dawning horror flickered across his face. "That's you!" he said, horrified.

"It's not me," insisted Reunited Remus. "It's Snupin!Remus."

"What's a 'snupin'?" Reunited Sirius asked incredulously.

"Er -- that is." Reunited Remus nodded at the two men currently occupying the stage, who were singing "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad".

"Great buggering Hippogriffs! He's got his hand on your arse! I'll kill him!" Reunited Sirius half-rose from his seat.

Reunited Remus restrained him with a hand on his shoulder. "Sirius, that's not me. Fanfic, remember? It's just a figment of some teenage girl's imagination."

"Any way we can see about getting her put on anti-psychotics?" Reunited Sirius grumbled. "The thought of that greasy git with his hands on you makes me ill. You've never had to stand in for that one, have you?" he asked, suddenly suspicious.

"I haven't," Reunited Remus assured him. Not yet, anyway, he amended silently.

Once the Snupin pairing departed to partake of activates neither of the Reunited pair cared to contemplate, Reunited Sirius looked around the room.

"It doesn't look like there's anyone vomit-inducing left, thank Merlin."

Indeed, the room was now more than half empty. The Jameses and Lilys had all left long since, either for their own private trysts, or to put various little Harrys down for the night. The Death Eaters, too, had gone, no doubt to take Lord Dr Tom Love up on his penthouse jacuzzi party. Voyeuristic!Snape and First War Regulus were gone as well, and all that was left at their table was a set of Dursleys and the Mary Sue, who were looking at one another with grave suspicion.

A group of Order members was still present, clustered around one of the larger tables, talking and laughing and enjoying a round of drinks. Mr and Mrs Weasley held hands under the table. Moody sipped from his hip flask while his magical eye roamed the room. The twins shared a joke with a flushed and giggling Tonks. Lockhart had joined them as well, smiling vaguely around the room.

At another table sat a few members of the Hogwarts staff, though Dumbledore and a roaring-drunk Hagrid had opted to join an odd assortment of characters, including Werewolf!Remus, at yet another table.

"All right, all right!" Tonks declared, laughing at the grinning twins. She tripped as she bounced onto the stage, and grabbed the microphone stand to keep from falling. "Clumsy," she muttered under her breath, flicking her wand at the karaoke machine.

Reunited Sirius smirked. "Good choice for a Metamorphmagus," he commented.

Reunited Remus smiled. "You remember when she was just a little thing, and Andromeda would bring her over to our place all the time?"

"She had quite a crush on you." Reunited Sirius grinned. "I might have been jealous if I didn't know you'd never give a woman a second glance." "Well, she does look a bit like you," Reunited Remus teased. "And probably even more so, if she tried."

"She can't grow a cock." Reunited Sirius stuck out his tongue. "I've done my reading, too. I'm not worried about her. Any chance we can be getting out of here soon?"

"Soon," Reunited Remus assured him. "I think things are winding down. But maybe somewhere more comfortable than the library? It's getting late."

Tonks was followed by Mr and Mrs Weasley, who cast one another loving glances as they sang "As Time Goes By". The song brought a lump to Reunited Remus's throat, and he squeezed his Sirius's hand. Silently, he prayed that he and Sirius would have as long and as loving a union as Arthur and Molly shared.

Alastor Moody broke the mood, however, with a rather threatening rendition of "Every Breath You Take". All the remaining members of the audience would come away that night with an uneasy feeling of being under surveillance, which would persist for days. Moody had that effect on people.

"No! I wanna sing!" bellowed a voice from across the room.

Vernon Dursley's face turned purple as every wizard in the room turned their eyes toward him. "All right, Son," he said, clenching his teeth in a grimace of intended good humour as his wife clutched his arm with white-knuckled fingers and craned her long neck around the room in terror. "One song, Dudders, and then we're off. Don't know why we agreed to come in the first place."

The huge boy shook the stage as he jumped onto it and grabbed the microphone in his meaty fist. "You may be able to do magic," he declared defiantly, "but you wouldn't be so hot without your wands. I bet I could take any one of you!"

"Well done, Son!" Vernon and Petunia clapped and cheered when Dudley's number finished, though his singing had been cracked and off-key throughout. When they left, the rest of the room breathed an audible sigh of relief.

"Shouldn't be doing magic in front of Muggles anyway," growled Moody, taking another swig from his flask.

"Relax, Alastor," said Arthur Weasley. "You know those rules only apply to canon."

Moody frowned. "I've never been comfortable in mixed gatherings. It doesn't feel right."

Reunited Remus and Sirius were distracted from this exchange by an altercation which was taking place on stage.

"The hell you will!" declared Minerva McGonagall imperiously. "The song was my idea, and I'm going to shing it -- er -- sing it."

She wrenched the microphone away from Sibyl Trelawney, who was unable to hold on to it and to the half-empty cooking sherry bottle. Reunited Remus leaped up and hurried to diffuse a situation which might be detrimental to his expensive sound equipment.

"Now, ladies --" he began.

"She wasn't going to do the shong!" screeched Trelawney. "She said sho!"

"Well, I changed my mind, didn't I, Sibyl?" Professor McGonagall smelled like a distillery.

Suddenly, much to Reunited Remus's relief, Dumbledore was there beside him. "Is there any reason why you cannot sing the song together, Minerva, Sibyl?" he inquired with Solomonesque wisdom.

The two women glowered at one another, then reluctantly nodded. "All right," said Trelawney. "But I get to do the intro."

"Fine," spat McGonagall. "I hope you choke on it."

But she didn't. Even in her sherry-soaked state, Trelawney seemed to recall most of the words in the right order. When the music began, the two women forgot their differences, and belted out the chorus, arm in arm.

Afterward, Trelawney handed the microphone down to miniscule Filius Flitwick, who had to hold it with both hands. The two women helped one another back to their seats as the next song started.

Reunited Sirius laughed out loud. "Who knew? I never would've pegged Flitwick for a Transylvanian. D'you think they make fishnets in his size?"

"I daresay," murmured Reunited Remus. "Though I doubt he looks half as good in them as you do, my dear." He laid a hand on Reunited Sirius's knee.

"Feeling a little frisky, are we?" Reunited Sirius said coyly. "Time to go yet?"

"Just a few more," replied Reunited Remus. "I promise I'll make it worth your while."

They were distracted by two hairy figures taking the stage. The werewolf was back, but this time he was joined by a very drunken and stumbling Hagrid. They didn't even bother with the music. Grabbing for the microphone, they began to sing, in the loosest possible definition of the word.

The remaining audience groaned. Someone threw a plastic cup, but it bounced off Hagrid's beard, unnoticed. After a while, the repetitive lyrics petered out, and the two wandered off the stage in opposite directions. The wolf went to curl up under an abandoned table, and Hagrid did much the same in the far corner of the room. Both were soon snoring loudly.

Following this display of eloquence came another figure almost as small as Professor Flitwick. The house-elf appeared to be wearing a tea cozy on its head, large bat-like ears sticking out through holes in the knit. On its feet, it wore brightly-coloured, mismatched socks, and in between, it wore a red and gold "I Love Harry Potter" tee-shirt.

"Dobby would like to dedicate his song to Harry Potter, greatest of all wizards," it squeaked into the microphone. "If not for Harry Potter, Dobby would not be a free elf today, and would now be ironing his hands instead of singing to other great wizards, like equals!"

The elf strutted and mimed and, indeed, shook his little touche on the catwalk. He appeared to be having great fun.

"Even Snivellus would be too sexy for that hat," said Reunited Sirius, but he laughed at the elf's performance, and clapped loudly when he finished.

"Dumbledore's up next," commented Reunited Remus. "This should be good."

"What's that he's got in his head?" asked Reunited Sirius incredulously. "That's never the Sorting Hat!"

But it was. Dumbledore wore the patched and ragged thing proudly as he beamed at the few remaining audience members. The headmaster held up the microphone, and a split opened above the hat's brim, forming a mouth.

"Albus and I would like to sing a little song for you before the night is over. This is an old favourite of ours, which we're sure you'll love as much as we do."

Reunited Sirius raised an eyebrow at his Remus. "I suppose the night really wouldn't be complete without it."

"Indeed," replied Reunited Remus. "It's a truly dreadful song, isn't it?" A few nearby heads nodded in agreement.

At long, long last, Dumbledore swept the Sorting Hat from his head, and bowed low to the polite, scattered applause.

"Thank you, friends, for this opportunity to spread a little joy amongst you. And now I believe we have one last song for the evening. Gerald? Are you ready?"

"Gerald?" Reunited Remus and Sirius looked at one another. "Who's Gerald?"

With a sticky, popping sound, a figure detached itself from Dumbledore's table and squelched its way toward the stage. The giant squid of Hogwarts' black lake extended a tentacle and delicately plucked the offered microphone from Dumbledore's hand.

"Thank you, Albus." Its voice was smooth and cultured. "My very dear friends, I have been at Hogwarts longer than any of you know. I have watched you all come and go, learn and grow. I've seen you alone on the shores of my lake, casting stones of bitter disappointment. I've seen you hand in hand, falling in love for the first time. In allowing me to observe your lives, you have given me so much. Please allow me this opportunity to give you some small measure of happiness in return."

He reached out a tentacle to the karaoke machine and pressed a button. There was a loud Zap! as the lights flickered and died, and the scent of fried calamari filled the air.

"Oh dear," said Gerald's voice in the stunned darkness. "I -- ah, seem to have -- hmmm. Yes." Then, very quietly, "Bugger."

"Now," said Reunited Remus with a sigh of resignation, "we can go."

Backstage © 2006 Skjaere