Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2580 (3729 with footnotes)
Characters: Maggie Lewis (OC), Madeleine Yaxley (OC), Marvola Elfynchyld (OC), Louisa Chambers (OC), Rubeus Hagrid, Minerva McGonagall, Sorting Hat, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew

Maggie and Madeleine managed to secure their own compartment aboard the Hogwarts Express on September the first. It was not that their other friends disapproved of their friendship; they just knew what happened when the two girls got together.

"All you two ever talk about is stories and characters and what if so-and-so did such-and-such with what's-her-name," complained Louisa Chambers, Maggie's best friend, when she stopped into the compartment to say hello.

Maggie and Madeleine barely noticed her departure.

"I love your attention to detail," Maggie was saying as she scanned Madeleine's latest effort. "One of the hardest things about writing Muggle characters is coming up with ways for them to do things without magic. I mean, they must have some way of, I don't know, lighting a fire without a wand, right?"

Madeleine shrugged. "Did you get to the love scene yet? That's the good bit."

Maggie's cheeks flamed crimson as she found what the other girl was talking about. For a moment, she read silently, eyes wide, lips parted in breathless wonder.

At last, she looked up. "Is that really what it's like? I mean, have you really done all that stuff?"

Madeleine's smile was enigmatic. "It's possible," was as much as she would admit.

"Wow," Maggie breathed softly.

"But you see what I mean, don't you?" Madeleine pressed. "You can't just say 'and then they had sex' and call it a love scene. And you cannot, by all that is pure and powerful, say that 'they had adult relations', because that just sounds ridiculous, like they were at a family reunion or something. You've got to describe the body parts and what they're doing."⁽¹⁾

"Well, I don't know that stuff, do I?" Maggie replied tartly.

Madeleine gave an exasperated sigh. "You know the basic mechanics, don't you? Just add in a few 'hards', 'hots', and 'wets', and try your best to avoid too many technical terms. Yes, can we help you?"

Maggie had been so engrossed in Madeleine's lecture that she had not, until that moment, noticed the girl standing in the compartment door.

She was tall and unbelievably slender, but with curves in all the right places. Her waist-length hair was pitch black, with streaks of purple and silver running through it, and her eyes sparkled a light violet colour, but changed to an enigmatic dark blue⁽²⁾ when Madeleine addressed her so abruptly. She wore a tight-fitting black top that said "Dark Princess" across it in real diamonds, and showed off her cleavage and her navel piercing perfectly. Her black leather skirt was short, showing off her long, fishnet-clad legs and knee-high black lace-up boots with four-inch heels.⁽³⁾

She gave Madeleine a dazzling smile, showing off her perfect teeth and flashing a tongue piercing. "IM mArVoLa!!!1!11!"⁽⁴⁾ she said in an American accent. "I, lyke,⁽⁵⁾ just transfurred from CaLi..............⁽⁶⁾ U no, in AmErIcA?!?!?!?? IM a GoThiC, but the kewl kind, not the kind who warship Satin an sacrafyss babys and stuff!!!!1!!!!1!!⁽⁷⁾ My father iz ........ LoRd VoDeMrOt!!!1!!!1⁽⁸⁾ But my mother wuz half VeeLa and half eLF!!!⁽⁹⁾ She went 2 AmErIcA B4 I wuz born 2 hide me from my father but she dyed when I wuz littel an I wuz raized by MuGgLeS!!! I use 2 go 2 magik skool in AmErIcA, but then I fownd out who my father wuz an I just had 2 cum hear an meat him, u no?!?!?1? I just no dat wen he meatz me, hiz hart will melt with luv an he will becum good!!!!!1!!!!!11!!⁽¹⁰⁾ So IM starting 6th year at HoGwArTz this year even tho I can all ready do wandless magik an stufff ................................"

"Who's Lord Vodemrot?" Maggie asked, puzzled, but Marvola only ignored her.

Instead, she turned to Madeleine and asked, "a/s/l?"⁽¹¹⁾

"15/f/HoGwArTz eXpReSs!!1!1!" replied Madeleine. "OMG R u really from CaLi?!?!?! I alwayz wanted 2 go ther!!!!11!!!!!1!! IM MaDeLeInE, but u can call me MaDz!!!1!"

"Umm ... Maddy?" Maggie said tentatively. "Are you feeling all right?"

Madeleine looked at her with annoyance. "Wut r u doing hear?!??!" She turned back to Marvola. "She iz only a 3rd year................."

"I didnt even notiss her she iz so littel!!!1!!1!!" said Marvola, tossing her shimmering hair in irritation. "Do u want 2 lissen 2 the nu Evanescence CD?!?!?!? Iv got it on my iPod!!!!11!!!"⁽¹²⁾

"Shur!!!1!!!1"

"Umm ... Maddy?" Maggie tried again. "I thought we were -- er -- going to do some writing?"

"I HATE DAT MUGGEL CRAP!!!!!11!!1!!" Madeleine stated. "IT IZ TEH SUXXOR SO HARDCORE!!!11!!!1!!!"

Just then, a group of boys walked past their compartment.

"N-E-way," said Marvola, "got 2 go!" And she left, following after the boys.

Madeleine's knees gave out, and she would have fallen if Maggie had not been there to catch her.

"Wha -- what happened?" she asked weakly.

"I don't know," Maggie replied. "It was like you were under some sort of spell or something."

"But -- why didn't it effect you?" Madeleine wondered.

"I don't know," Maggie repeated, staring after the departed Marvola thoughtfully.

By the time they reached Hogwarts, Madeleine had almost recovered from the horrific encounter, but Maggie kept an eye out to make sure that neither of them went anywhere near the new girl. Fortunately, it seemed Marvola was to ride across the lake with the first year students, since she herself was new to Hogwarts.

As Maggie steered Madeleine towards the waiting carriages, she saw the gamekeeper, Hagrid, catch sight of the new girl, and immediately try to flatten and tame his wayward hair with his fingers, blushing rosily. Maggie sighed and shook her head.

Once inside the castle, they quickly found seats in the Great Hall. Maggie hoped a bite to eat would have a restorative effect on Madeleine. As had been their custom the previous spring, they found seats at their respective house tables that were almost back-to-back so that they could talk across the aisle.

The Great Hall was always especially noisy for the start of term feast, and Maggie loved the bustle of it. She tried to pick out Remus Lupin's pale face from the crowd, and found him at last, sitting with his friends James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew. Remus looked as though he had been growing again over the summer, and Maggie wondered how tall he was now. She also wondered in quick succession if he had met anyone over the holidays, what it would be like to kiss him, whether he would take any more notice of her this year than the previous two, and whether sex was really as messy as Madeleine had said it was. She blushed and turned away.

A hush fell over the Great Hall as the doors swung open and the new students entered, lead by Professor McGonagall, who was carrying a three-legged stool and the Hogwarts Sorting Hat. But the eyes of the other students were not on that venerable chapeau, but on the new girl, Marvola. All the first years were clustered around her, staring up at her with wide, admiring eyes, but she looked straight ahead, smiling confidently, eyes an enchanting shade of lilac. Some of the boys were drooling a little. Maggie wondered how she could tell the exact shade of the girl's eyes from where she was sitting.

Marvola lit up the room like a candle, and seemed to float rather than walk. Her narrow hips swayed invitingly, and all around the room, boys' hands twitched with the longing to give her firm little arse a squeeze. She smiled a little wider, knowing the effect she was having on the room.⁽¹³⁾

Maggie saw her eyes fall upon Remus. Marvola's lips parted to show the tip of her rosy pink tongue, and she swept her lashes down in a wink. Her eyes glowed the purple of bad prose.

Oh, no, thought Maggie. Please, no.

Remus looked thunderstruck, and every male eye in the room narrowed in undisguised jealousy, including those of his friends, James and Peter. Sirius, however, merely gave him a troubled look.

Marvola continued to stare at Remus as Professor McGonagall placed the Sorting Hat on the stool just below the head table. A rip opened in the brim as the Hat began to sing its annual song, but hardly anyone was listening.

As one, the occupants of the Great Hall gasped at this unusual decree, and then burst into applause, whistling and catcalling and beckoning Marvola to join them.

Professor McGonagall gave them a quelling look, and they quieted at the sound of her voice. "Marvola Arwen Raevyn Yvette Salazara Umekiko Elfynchyld,"⁽¹⁵⁾ she said, looking nonplussed. "The Sorting Hat has given you the unprecedented right to choose your house. Choose well, and choose quickly. Please."

"OMG I chuse ... GrIfYnDoOr!!!2!1!1!!" Marvola's voice rang like silver bells in the Great Hall. "I feel a misterius atttracshun 2 dat howse......................" She smiled at Remus again.

Maggie was numb throughout the remainder of the Sorting and the feast that followed. She barely tasted her food. How would she ever get Remus to notice her, now that Marvola had set her sights on him? Maggie did not even have curves in the wrong places yet, let alone in the right ones. She was just a silly little girl, and Marvola was practically a woman, and now she was going to go out with Remus, and probably kiss him and have sex with him.

No! thought Maggie fiercely. I can't let that happen!

After the feast, Maggie did not follow the rest of the Ravenclaws back to their tower dormitory, but instead grabbed Madeleine by the arm and pulled her aside.

"We have to stop her," she said without preamble.

Madeleine pursed her lips. "Why? Just because she's got her eye on your bit of boy-crumpet? Forget it. Take my advice and keep as far away from that girl as possible. She's trouble."

But when Maggie saw Remus and his friends leaving the Great Hall with Marvola, she dragged Madeleine along with her to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Not too close!" hissed Madeleine. "You know what happened last time she got near me!"

But Maggie shook her head, whispering back, "I think she has to know you're there for it to work. Remember? She said she didn't notice me when we were on the train, and I stayed completely normal."

They crept up to where the new girl was talking to the four Gryffindor boys.

"I just no dat wen he meatz me, hiz hart will melt with luv an he will becum good!!!!!1!!!!!11!!" she was saying. "So IM starting 6th year at HoGwArTz this year even tho I can all ready do wandless magik an stufff ................................"

"Wow!" breathed the boys.

"So, lyke, wut r ur namez?!?!??!!!!?" she asked.

"IM Jamez Potter," said James. "An theez r my frens, Siri Blak, Remi Loopin, and --"

"Itz so kewl 2 meat the 3 uv u!!!!1!!!1!" she cut him off, shaking hands with the three boys who had been introduced.

They all looked a little startled, and Peter's mouth hung open in bewilderment.⁽¹⁶⁾

"I'm --" he tried to say, but the girl was already speaking again.

"UR a WaReWuLf, Rnt u?!?!?!?!??!!!!" she asked, still holding Remus's hand.

"No IM not!" cried Remus, glancing around desperately to see if anyone else was listening. "IM --"

"Yes u r!!!! I no u r!!!!!!!!1!!!!" said Marvola. "IM part VeeLa an part eLf, so I will no my mate as soon as I find him!!!!1!!!!!1! UR my mate!!!11!!!!! So I no u r a warewulf an becuz my mate iz a warewulf I cant b turned in2 a warewulf so itz ok if u want 2 bite me!!!11!!!11!!!!!"⁽¹⁷⁾ she said coyly. "Also, IM a animugs an my form is a pink an purple UnIcOrN!!1!1!!!!!2!!! So I can go out with u at full mooonz!!11!!!!1!!!!!"⁽¹⁸⁾

"I didn't think people could turn into magical creatures," Peter said quietly.

"O, Jamez, dont b sillly!!!!!4!!!!" Marvola said with a sparkling laugh and a toss of her shimmering hair. "It iz bcuz IM part VeeLa dat I can turn in2 a UnIcOrN!!11!!11!!!"

"You don't think any of that's true, do you?" Maggie whispered. "About Remus being a werewolf?"

"No." Madeleine's lip curled scornfully. "She talks a lot of shite. Just listen to her!"

"O.o!11!!!!!1!" Marvola was saying now. "I hav a song 2 play 4 u, Remi!1!!!!!!4567!!! I jus no it iz gonna b r song!1!!!!!1!!! Itz called 'mi imortal' by evanesense!111!!!1!!!! U r gonna luv it!!!1!!!!!1!!"

She took out a small, black rectangle, and began to fiddle with it. Her graceful brow furrowed, and she fiddled a bit more. "DAMMIT1111!!1!!1!!! WTF IZ RONG WITH MY IPOD??!?!?!?!1?!!6!!!?"⁽¹⁹⁾

"What's an eye-pod?" whispered Madeleine.

"I don't know," said Maggie. "I think it might be some sort of Muggle music device, in which case she'll never get it to work here. One of the Muggle-born girls in my dorm tried to bring something called an 'eight-track' with her, but she never could get it to work at school. That thing looks a lot smaller."

The group of Gryffindors was moving away from Maggie and Madeleine's hiding place.

"IM soooooo happpy I met u 3!!!7!!!!!4!!1!" Marvola said again, taking Remus's hand in hers. They disappeared up the stairs, Peter trailing despondently behind the others.

"Oh, that is not on!" Madeleine declared heatedly. "How can she just ignore him like that? We have to stop her."

Maggie shook off the image of Marvola's fingers entwined with Remus's. "For ignoring Peter?" she said. "You changed your mind because of -- oh!" She looked at Madeleine with new understanding. "Peter Pettigrew? Really?"

A rare blush rose to Madeleine's cheeks. "It was -- just the one time. So far."

"But why do you care about that girl ignoring him? You told me there were lots of guys who --"

"Peter's different," Madeleine cut her off tersely. "He's the only one who didn't act like he was better than me, after. You're right; she has to die."

1. Madeleine is absolutely right here. If you are too embarrassed to write about sex, or you're just not sure how to do so, then leave that part out of your story, or imply it without saying it directly. A good love scene requires a surprising amount of knowledge and detailed description. There is very little in fanfiction that is funnier than a badly-written love scene, and you don't want your characters' romantic and/or tragic love story to be laughed at, do you?

2. Mood eyes have been done, and done again. Even mood hair is old hat at this point.

3. This much physical description is never necessary when one is introducing a new character. Your readers honestly do not care how hip you (or your character) are to the latest trends. If she's pure-blood and has lots of magical skill, she probably doesn't have time to follow Muggle fashions. When your character is on her way to Hogwarts, the best thing to do is put her in Hogwarts robes and be done with it.

4. Overuse of punctuation is hard on your readers' eyes, as well as their patience. One exclamation point (!) serves exactly the same purpose as a dozen. It is sometimes acceptable to use a question mark and exclamation point in conjunction (?!), but in such cases, one of each will do. An ellipsis (...) consists of three dots in the middle of a sentence and four dots at the end of one. Also, AlTeRnAtInG cApItAliSaTiOn is really hard to read. No one wants to see this in a story.

5. Now is probably a good time to mention spellcheck and beta readers. If you don't have one, get one. And that's one of each. Using spellcheck first is a courtesy to your beta reader, and using a beta reader is a courtesy to your audience. There are plenty of good ones out there.

6. Harry Potter fanfiction is flooded with American transfer students to Hogwarts. Don't use the excuse that you don't know anything about British culture; it's not really that different from American culture. They don't live in huts and eat poo, and they've had goth and punk since before you were born. When writing a story set in Britain, learn to use words such as "arse", "mum", and "bloody" fluently.

7. Using negative stereotypes is a kind of prejudice. Goths (a "goth" is a person and "gothic" is a word which describes that person) are generally pretty laid back, friendly people, but if you start implying that they are violent, cruel, or sexually deviant (moreso than the population in general, that is), they won't be very friendly towards you.

8. The "secret daughter of Lord Voldemort" plotline has been done to death. Not to say it cannot be done interestingly and well, but it usually isn't.

9. It is almost never a good idea to make your character anything other than human, unless there is a very good plot reason for it. And I don't just mean genetically human, either. Your readers are more likely to identify with a character who is flawed in very human ways. Why do you think we love characters like Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood so much?

10. Lord Voldemort's heart is not going to be melted by love, kisses, and kittens. He is evil. Destroying or incapacitating him are the only viable options.

11. I've never actually seen anyone use "a/s/l" in fanfiction before, but I have seen a lot of chat and text-speak. While these abbreviations may be really handy to save time, money, and valuable text message space when communicating with your friends, they have no place in a work of fiction. The words "you", "are", and "to/too/two", among other, should always be spelled out.

12. Be careful to avoid major anachronisms (objects, ideas, and slang that do not belong to the time you are writing about). If you are setting your story in the Marauders' era at Hogwarts (1971-1978), the characters will not own iPods, nor will they be familiar with your new favourite band. Having an iPod in your story is a really lame reason for a time travel subplot. If you're not sure when something was invented, Wikipedia should be able to tell you.

13. For a character to be instantly either loved or hated by all is not good character development. In the real world, we earn people's love or hatred through our words and actions. Fiction that reflects real life in these aspects is almost always better than fiction that does not. A character may be instantly desired, but to be instantly desired by all is fairly unrealistic, given the broad range of traits which different people find attractive.

14. In a thousand years, no student has ever come along who could not be placed in a house by the Sorting Hat. Sometimes the Hat encounters people who have traits of more than one house, such as Hermione, with her Ravenclaw intelligence, or Sirius, with his Hufflepuff loyalty, but the Hat still manages to choose, and sometimes mixes things up to keep them interesting.

15. Names like this may sound really cool to you, but for the majority of readers, they will set of the MarySue sensor. Randomly assigning your characters Oriental-sounding names when they are not of Oriental background, just because you are into anime, always looks silly. J. K. Rowling has set a good example by using names which are either ordinary (Harry, Ron, James, Lily, Peter) or legendary/classical (Minerva, Remus, Sirius, Albus). Try to stick to no more than two or three names per character.

16. If you're writing a Marauders story, then write all the Marauders. Don't leave out Peter. I know he is a coward and did some very horrible things as an adult and was ugly in the movies, but there is no reason to write teenage-Peter as anything other than a friend to James, Sirius, and Remus. Peter's betrayal of his friends would not be nearly as shocking if he had not been a true friend to them at one time. They trusted him enough to make him their Secret-Keeper. There has to be a reason for that.

17. The veela-lifemate plotline has been done a million and one times, most of them badly. It may have been original at one time, but don't expect readers to be excited about yours.

18. If you're going to make your character an Animagus, do it for a good reason, not just so she can hang out with the Marauders. It is a spell that takes a great deal of study and dedication, and no one enters into it lightly. If it were easy, lots of people would do it.

19. Electronic devices do not work at Hogwarts. Dumbledore is not going to make an exception for your character's iPod.

M.A.R.Y.S.U.E. Must Die! © 2007 Skjaere